I know I’ve said a few times before that I’ve reach the point of fried brains, but this time I mean it. Like, really mean it. My brain is fried.
We have a week and a half left of summer, and while I’m super-sad to see it come to an end, I have officially run out of stuff to do to entertain my kids. We’ve gone on vacations, we’ve gone to camp. We’ve plunked down too much money for movies, we’ve spent even more on the snow cone establishment just around the corner. We’ve set up lemonade stands so often, I’m pretty sure the neighbors think we’re using the children to supplement our income (which we have totally not done since we paid that hefty fine last summer, thankyouverymuch). And we’ve been swimming so much that water literally trails behind us for most of the day…hours after we’ve climbed out of the pool…sometimes even into the next afternoon.
To say we’re water-logged is a serious understatement.
So, since I’m on the verge of losing it, and since my brain shut down two weeks ago from a serious bout of summer-stimulation-overload, I really can’t think of a lot to write about. So I thought I’d just write a little about a lot of random things. Here goes.
1. We cancelled cable two weeks ago, and so far, it hasn’t been that bad. Now, before anyone thinks, “That’s so weird. Why would she do something as crazy as eliminating HBO?” let me say this: Somewhere around the 27th of July, I realized something l had never noticed before: My kids had spent the entire previous month watching nothing but Netflix. Shows like How I Met Your Mother, Out Of The Wild, My Little Pony (currently on its 73rd mind-numbing repeat). Anyway, we’ve been paying a ton for cable that nobody watches. And Netflix costs eight bucks a month. So we’re trying it for awhile. I fully expect the “trying” to end around the first televised Razorback game, but whatever.
2. Because of my new Netflix addiction, I’m officially hooked on How I Met Your Mother. Seriously, how have I managed to live six years without watching this even once? This show is brilliant, laugh-yourself-off-the-couch funny, and is (for me) giving Friends—my favorite show of all time— a serious run for its money.
3. I want to be friends with Neil Patrick Harris. I think he and I would hit it off immediately. I just need someone to convince him for me, because clearly my letters/Facebook messages/tweets/efforts to send telepathic messages to him are not getting through. I wish I could blame that last one on a thick layer of ominous cloud cover that makes psychic messages hard to transmit, but it’s been perfectly clear and sickeningly sunny all summer.
4. We need rain. Bad. There’s a pond across from my house. A nice pond where the neighborhood kids go to fish. Normally it’s pretty…peaceful. But since my little corner of the country has received rain exactly twice this summer—the morning of June 21st and for 2 minutes last Wednesday—the pond looks awful. And it smells bad. And the water has evaporated to the point that you can see all the ugly equipment sticking out of it—the pipes leading to the fountain and some weird, gray barrel-looking things that look strangely similar to cement paint cans. It’s creepy. Unsettling. And kinda makes me wonder if, after a little more evaporation, I’ll eventually see a submerged vehicle or a dead body floating around in there. If that happens, I am soooo outta here.
5. McDonalds announced yesterday they are getting ready to debut curly fries. This is wrong on so many levels. It’s like jelly deciding to ditch peanut butter and hook up with marshmallow crème instead. Or like bacon shunning eggs in favor of sliced peaches. When something is perfect beyond all levels of rational comprehension, you just don’t mess with it. Don’t ruin a good thing, Mickey D’s. I’m begging you on behalf of French fry connoisseurs (me) everywhere.
6. Over the course of this overly bright summer, my hair has turned kinda blonde. I’m fixing that on Thursday, thank God. Because I don’t care what anyone says, this blonde is not having more fun. Being stuck indoors with four kids for three months with the weather trying to compete with Hell for hottest place EVER will do that to a girl.
7. I should have been on the Olympic gymnastics team. If it weren’t for my aversion to exercise, my questionable coordination, and my occasional bouts of randomly flailing limbs, I totally could have been on that podium. Sigh. Another missed opportunity.
8. I’ve read a ton this summer. Young Adult books, People Magazine, Women’s fiction, even a couple of Middle-grade (i.e. elementary level) novels. The only thing I haven’t read is 50 Shades of Grey. Not because it doesn’t sound interesting, but because, honestly, I’m just not sure I’ve reached the maturity level I’m fairly certain that book requires. Not sure I ever will.
9. I’m not loving our presidential choices, so I’m thinking maybe we should shake things up a bit. So here’s what I propose. Instead of the normal way we vote, this one time I think we should send both of the candidates to Arkansas, stand them side by side, and then make them dance for votes. And whoever makes it rain first gets to be president. And as an added incentive, if either of them makes it rain Milk Duds, they get to remain president forever. Not sure if this idea will fly with the rest of the voting public, though…
10. Joan Rivers handcuffed herself to a Costco shopping cart to protest the fact that they don’t offer her newest book in the store. I can totally see myself doing this same thing, but for different reasons. Like, I’m Not Moving Until You Bring Me All Your Food Samples reasons. You think it would work?
So that’s all I’ve got today. My brain has had enough of trying to think about stuff. Besides, it’s already hotter than Hades outside and I’m taking my kids swimming later. Such a wild-and-crazy detour from the normal routine.
But who am I kidding? I’m gonna be really sad when all this togetherness ends. Really, I am.