I saw The Blue Man Group at our local theater a couple of nights ago. To say I didn’t have high hopes is a bit of an understatement. In my pre-show mind, I pretty much thought I would spend my evening subjected to three guys with very poor blood circulation miming their way through a two-hour creep-fest while I sat wondering why agreed to go, especially when I couldn’t even make it through the first ten minutes of Avatar with all its blue-colored weirdness and what’s up with all these blue people and aren’t we supposed to avoid all forms of blueness when it comes to skin? Someone please call a doctor. Or perform CPR, stat.
I realize the entire world loved Avatar. I realize it won all kinds of awards. I realize this makes me uncool.
Please realize I don’t care. I’d rather watch The Notebook. Again.
Anyway, so I sat down in my seat and flipped through my Playbill, waiting for the blue ickyness to begin, hoping it might be over in an hour so we could go for ice cream afterward. But here’s the deal.
I loved it.
From the paint-splattered drums to the uber-talented KISS look-alike background band to the giant beach balls that floated over the audience, I loved it. But my absolute favorite part happened in the middle. Can’t remember the exact moment, but somehow those men (with the help of digitized flash cards), asked the audience to get up and dance. Specifically, to stand and Shake Our Booties. But to make things interesting, they never actually used those words. They got much more creative.
Here are a few things they did say:
Get up and… stir your crock-pot, jiggle your brownies, kick your hind-quarters, hitch your giddy-up, mix your cake batter, squeeze your muffins, knead your bread dough, grind your pepper mill, fluff your pillow-top, bounce your basketball, swirl your cinnamon bread…
See what I mean? These phrases were awesome! And so many of them were about food…almost like they knew I’d be in the audience. Loving the show, but still wanting ice cream. Wishing I’d brought a cinnamon roll. So sad that I’d only arrived with gum.
Anyway, I danced. And my friends made fun of me, but I ignored them. And I started thinking (a dangerous pastime for me, but whatever). And I started remembering all those times when I was a little girl when my mother’s arm would slide around me at church. And she would paste on a stiff smile, just so annoyed that I couldn’t stop laughing or I’d just burped or I’d just elbowed my sister hard and made her wail in the middle of the preacher’s sermon. Sigh. My mom could be so uptight back then. Anyway, she would slide her arm around me, smile the sweetest smile, lean down to my ear, and say something like this: “When we get home you’re gonna get it.” And me—the picture of innocence and purity and light—would glance around and think, omigosh did anyone hear her?
But wouldn’t it have been awesome if my mom had had a code phrase for her cold-hearted threats back then? Like The Blue Man Group had for dancing, only phrases all her own?
**disclaimer: I love my mother. She is awesome. She is not cold-hearted. And more than likely she is reading this.**
And now that I’m a mother, wouldn’t it be cool if I had my own code phrases? So that I, too, could threaten my children, and no one would ever know?
So I made up a few. And after school today, I’m delivering them to my kids. And here they are. Feel free to steal a few if you’d like. Feel free to make up your own. Or feel free to think I’m a complete moron for coming up with them in the first place.
“Clean your room, or else,” is now “Set down the snow globe, or I might crack it.”
“Will you guys stop fighting!” has now become, “We’re fresh out of Band-aids.”
“Don’t talk to me like that,” sounds much better as, “Silent movies are a lost art.”
“You’re driving me crazy!” is much less harsh when delivered, “I wish I drove a Volvo.”
“Who ate all the dang pretzels?” isn’t nearly as selfish-sounding when said, “My cup dryeth up.”
And lastly, “Look at me when I’m talking to you,” is so much better as “Keep your eyes on the Precious.”
I’m not nearly finished with this new list, but see what I mean? Aren’t these so much better? Won’t my kids love them? I can’t wait to see the looks on their faces later today!
Who am I kidding?
They’re gonna laugh in my face…walk away and say things like, “She’s so weird.”
So please…the next time you hear me say something like, “If you don’t get over here by the time I count to three…”
Remember that I tried.
And my cool phrases died.
A blue, lifeless death.
Time to go. Or as they said during the show the other night…
“Time to flip my hamburger.”