Now, I’ve never eaten these. And mark my words—I never will. No matter how much my dad tries to convince me they’re actually good. Because this is the same man who has tried for years to explain the awesomeness of raw oysters sliding down your throat and that fish on top of bagels is actually a fantastic breakfast idea. Ew.
But maybe I should reconsider. Because right now, they are totally appropriate.
People, my brain is fried. Mush. Worthless. Can’t take anymore. And the proof is beginning to show up in the most disturbing ways.
Like a few days ago when I walked into school during Teacher Appreciation Week and was told this: “Hey, Amy, when you have a break, go to the teacher’s lounge and get some gelato! It’s awesome!”
But what I heard was, “Hey, Amy…get some Jello!”
And I thought, Jello? That’s kind of a weird way to show the teachers we appreciate them. With a thirty cent box of jiggly stuff. But oh well, I guess I’ll go. Because I hate to hurt anyone’s feelings. And the Jello’s free and stuff.
And y’all, I kept up this thought process for THREE HOURS until I made my way into the lounge. And immediately went, “Oh! Gelato!!” And I was so happy, because that ice-creamy-like concoction was so good. And it tasted like chocolate. And it didn’t jiggle on my spoon. Which is a really great thing.
And then the next day, I couldn’t find my car keys. It took me fifteen minutes of ransacking my house and muttering every inappropriate thing known to man to finally locate them. And really, doesn’t everyone keep their car keys in the refrigerator?
And then a couple days ago my sister said this: “Did you know the word gullible isn’t in the dictionary?” To which I responded, “Really?” And glared at her a few seconds later when she busted out laughing. But to make it worse, later that afternoon my daughter said to me: “Did you know if you say the word ‘gullible’ five times fast it starts to sound like watermelon?” To which I mouthed gulliblegulliblegullible…until SHE began to cackle.
I’ve since written off my entire family.
But the worst. Worst, was yesterday. When I reached for coffee and realized I’d never turned it on. When I opened the dishwasher and found it still full of soap and dirty dishes. When the doctor called to tell me I had missed my daughter’s appointment. Again. When I reached for my make-up remover and realized I forgot to buy any. Again. When I headed for bed and remembered my sheets. Still wet in the washing machine.
Thank God for Tylenol PM, that’s all I have to say.
And thank HIM for the end of school. Because in five days, I’m going to sleep. For lots and lots of hours. And maybe somewhere in all that rest, I’ll regain some brain cells.
Who knows? Maybe even a new appreciation for weird, jiggly food.