Headline News

I have been so busy lately. Crazy busy. Stressful busy.
1. Too busy to shower.
2. Too busy to get dressed.
3. Too busy to wash dishes.
4. Or my hair.
5. Too busy to look away from the train wreck otherwise known as Kelly and Michael. Is it just me, or has this show gotten boring? What used to be funny is now just awkward. What used to be casual and lighthearted banter seems labored and forced. What used to be host chat has turned into newspaper headline reading. I have Google for that. Even though I prefer my Yahoo page much better because they put all the headlines in categories like World News, Local News, Entertainment, and Kardashians.

Anyway, I’ve been busy, but not so busy that I don’t have time to catch up on the news. And I have some issues with some of the things I’m reading. Thought I’d share those issues with you now.

A. People need to leave Kim Kardashian the heck alone. I mean, maybe I don’t like her family’s show or her seventy-two minute marriage or her as-yet-to-happen divorce or her fling with Kanye West (who is just weird, by the way). But the woman is pregnant. Pregnant! Let her gain weight! Let her make questionable clothing choices! For my first pregnancy, my mom pulled out the McCall’s patterns and sewed me up a few tents to wear, so whatever Ms. Kardashian is wearing is bound to be better than that. Kim, if you’re reading this—and I’m sure you are—get yourself a Mumu and a cheeseburger and relax awhile. It won’t be long before people will frown on you for doing it non-pregnant. Trust me, I know…

B. Reese Witherspoon. Y’all, what have we come to as a society when a crazy drunk person can’t hang out a car window and shout obscenities at police officers and are kept from standing on American soil just because some guy with a gun told us to stay in our vehicle? It’s an outrage, I tell you. An outrage. You know what else is an outrage? Celebrities thinking the “Do you know who I am?” line works on the regular folks. Regular folks don’t care. Regular folks like to watch your public meltdown. Regular folks are so disappointed in June Carter Cash.

C. This stupid Arkansas weather. This week alone, we’ve gone from upper seventies to upper forties to upper sixties and lower thirties. It’s giving me whiplash. It’s making me depressed. It’s making me sick. Not sick sick, but I can’t stop sneezing. Which makes putting on make-up difficult. Which leads to wearing none at all. Which leads to minimal showers. Which leads to staying in pajamas. Which leads to Kelly and Michael. Which leads to nothing productive at all. It’s a vicious cycle. One I see no hope for.

D. North Korea, specifically Kim Jong Un and his psycho self. That man needs to take his threats and missiles and keep them in his own country. Under lock and key. And then he needs to be thrown out of office. Seriously, he’s not even good looking. How in heaven’s name did he win?

E. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and LinkedIn. These things all fall under the category of Time Suckers, and some days I get so tired of all of them. I mean, what is UP with the ever-changing Timeline? What is up with the fish-lip photos? What is up with all the recipes for yet another dessert that I don’t need—but want so bad it physically hurts—that keep scrolling across my news feed? What is up with all the perfect lives, perfect kids, perfect exercise routines, and perfect blonde highlights? Doesn’t anyone ever yell at their kids, pluck out their gray hairs, open a Snickers bar, and eat it while lying prone on their living room sofa anymore? Like I did just last night?? America is losing sight of the good old days, people. Everyone needs to calm down and grab a store bought cookie.

(pretty sure I just sounded like my eighty-year old grandmother)

F. Cars. Except this is good news! Because I bought a new one! Not new, new, but new for me. More importantly, the minivan is no more. Kaput. Nada. It was traded in and will hopefully one day be able to bless some other (mis)fortunate family for a while. Kidding. It was a good van and will be missed. Except it won’t. Not in a million years.

Well, that’s all for now. I just made a dessert out of biscuits, Nutella, raisins, and French fries and I need to check on it. Make sure it’s ready. Grab the potholders. And find my phone.

Facebook, here I come. People everywhere, start your ovens.


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