I’m not sure if the planets are out of sync or if global warming is to blame or if it’s simply a case of Americans not eating enough Wheaties for breakfast (I, for one, vote this), but there is something seriously freaky going on in the world of news right now. Normally boring headlines have turned crazy. So crazy, that some of them seem almost otherworldly. Take this one:

“Man who lost nose to cancer is growing new one on arm.”
Okay, I’ll admit that I’ve never lost a nose. I’m still sporting the same slightly turned up, slightly oversized one that plagued me in grade school—so much so that I use to sleep with a clothespin clamped onto it Nellie Olson-style trying to make the thing skinnier. (A couple of points to make about this: A. it doesn’t work, and B. clothespins freakin’ hurt). Anyway, I haven’t lost a nose yet in my lifetime. But I can honestly say that the only thing I can imagine worse than not having a nose at all…is a nose growing on my arm. Can you imagine? What if it sneezes and your arm starts flailing in the middle of church? Or what if, in the midst of cold and flu season, it starts to run? Do you grab a tissue and wipe it? Do you try to convince people it’s a sweat gland gone haywire? Something tells me neither option would work well.

Okay, next headline:

“Actor behind voice of Charlie Brown arrested for stalking ex-girlfriend.”
He threatened to kill her, y’all. He threatened to steal her dog. He called her, like, 37 times a day for six weeks straight. And do you know why? Because she got a boob job he didn’t approve of. I find this so offensive for so many reasons. One, because she broke up with him and he should just accept it. Two, because threatening to steal someone’s dog is on par with—for me—threatening to steal my Milk Duds, and that is completely unacceptable. And three, because CHARLIE BROWN DOESN’T LIKE BOOBS! He’s a kid! He just wants to kick a football! He wants his sister to be nice! He reads Bible verses! What is wrong with this man?? Shape up, Dude, in time for me to enjoy “It’s the great pumpkin Charlie Brown” while eating my pie next Thanksgiving.

Here’s another:

“Why do Americans want to eat cute puppies?”
Um…I don’t. I barely want to eat a hot dog. And even though I suspect that this headline is referring to the rhetorical “eat,” as in “that puppy is cute enough to eat,” it’s still gross. Still inappropriate. Still disgusting, especially if you try to force-feed me one without ketchup, mustard, and relish. (Kidding. Lay off the hate comments you’re already writing in your mind).

And another:

“Plus size model holds record for largest hips at eight feet around.”
Huh. Eight feet? This makes me feel kinda bad for getting so ticked at the third cookie I ate after school yesterday. I’d have to eat my cookies and my neighbor’s cookies to expand my hips to eight feet around (Plus, this never works. My neighbors tend to get angry when I sneak into their pantries late at night, which I don’t understand because aren’t we all supposed to be friends??). Then again, she’s the model. She’ the one laughing all the way to the bank while I’m sitting here contemplating what kind of cake to make tomorrow.

There’s more, but I can’t even begin to decipher the goings-on of Lance Armstrong or Te’o what’s-his-name football player with the phantom girlfriend that he may or may not have made up and/or killed. I’ll leave it to Katie Couric to figure out that last one, though in her recent interview with him, even she couldn’t get the straight story.

But who knows. Maybe if the planets fall in line or some other nonsense takes place, maybe she’ll get both of these guys to tell her the truth. Maybe, if she plays her cards right, the three of them could discuss things over an old-fashioned bowl of Wheaties.

In fact, maybe if Lance Armstrong had eaten more of the breakfast of champions in the first place, he wouldn’t have needed all those drugs.


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