Raise your Aqua Net if you saw Rock of Ages this weekend? (Girls of the eighties, you know you still have a can stashed in the back of your bathroom cabinet in case Twisted Sister hair ever comes back in style. Am I right? Is it just me??)
Anyway, I saw it. I loved it. Every big-haired-fashion-disaster-head-banging part of it. Julianne Hough—I was impressed. Diego what’s-his-name—my new (and totally inappropriate ‘cause he’s only 21) crush. And Tom Cruise—he had me believing he was Axl Rose incarnate. (For the record, I was not happy when I heard he would play Stacee Jaxx in the movie. Good thing the producers never asked for my opinion. The guy was great). Even Alec Baldwin did a good job. And Russell Brand—what would I give for this guy to meet me for coffee one afternoon? His comedic timing is awesome, and I love his voice. His speaking voice. Just hearing him say the word, “hi” makes me laugh. I have a feeling he’s kinda weird in real life, but I could overlook it for an hour if he would just sip a latte across from me and rattle off a few jokes. Alas, I don’t think it’s gonna happen. I’ve sent at least 237 letters, and he won’t answer any of ‘em.
So this movie rocked. Now, just in case you’re thinking about taking the kiddos: not everything was appropriate. The stripper poles, I could’ve done without. The make-out scene on the pool table, I could’ve skipped. Besides, everyone knows that making out on a pool table is totally awkward. Not to mention uncomfortable. And metal poles? Please. They are IMPOSSIBLE to climb up in six-inch heels.
Wait. Did I just type that out loud?
This movie took me right back to high school. Now, I never hung out in a bar or played in a band, but I did have big hair. Which is a minor understatement. Kinda like saying Mount Rushmore is a big hill. My hair was HUGE. And curly. And immovable. And my bangs stuck up in front like a single angel wing growing out of my forehead. And the back of my hair? Who knows? I never bothered to look at that, because who ever saw me from behind, anyway?
My photos from back then are just lovely. And you will never see them. Unless my sisters decide to share one with you. Which will be so sad if that happens, because I’ve heard jail is a really bad place. But I’m pretty sure it’s where you go when you murder your sisters and stuff.
Anyway, there were a few problems with the movie that need to be addressed. So just in case anyone is thinking about making a sequel, I’ll cover them now to save the movie-guys a phone call to me later.
1. I did not think Julianne Hough’s hair was big enough.
2. I did not think her shorts were long enough.
3. I did not think her shirts were baggy enough.
4. I did not think her make-up was tacky enough.
5. I did not think her voice was off-key enough.
6. I did not think her face was ugly enough.
So basically, my problems were all with her. But come on, how is it fair that one person should be this pretty and beautiful and perfect? The whole thing was nauseating. And I dunno…maybe there’s a slight chance I might’ve been a little jealous.
But other than Ms. Hough’s perfect perfectness, the rest of the movie was great. I’ll definitely see it again. And maybe even again. Because really, is there anything better than eighties music? Or eighties style? If there is, I’ve never heard of it.
Anyway, gotta run. I’ve got a pair of parachute pants and a Def Leppard /Journey/ REO Speedwagon mix tape calling my name.