Blog

So…I stink at blogging this summer.

It isn’t that I don’t want to or have nothing meaningful to write about (and we all know my blogs are nothing if not meaningful), it’s just that I’ve just been so busy lately. Crazy busy. Like, some days I will sit down with my computer all ready to type out an idea, and something will happen. Say…my doorbell will ring. A child will come in crying. My dryer will buzz. A neighbor will call with a question about a mathematical theorem that only I can solve.

This particular one totally drives me nuts. Don’t my neighbors know I have better things to do than single-handedly save their children’s educational futures? Sigh. The burdens I live with.

Anyway, the list of intellectual pursuits occupying my time this summer is just endless. And to prove it, I thought I’d share the list now.

Amy’s List Of Intellectual Pursuits That Are Keepin’ Her Busy This Summer:

1. Watching The Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes Scientological Break-Up Show. I suppose we all knew it would happen eventually. It seems that Katie finally woke up, stretched and yawned and looked around and went, “Wait, my husband’s a what? But why didn’t anyone tell me? I thought he was just a member of a super-secret fraternity where lots of money is required and blabbing about the insider goings-on might getcha killed. I did not know it was weird!” It took her six years, but it seems that Mrs. Cruise has finally emerged from her coma. Now, let me make this clear: I do not advocate divorce. Marriage should last forever. But in my humble little opinion, any situation that involves children being shipped off for months at a time for mandated mind-controlling/sweat-shop working might be worth analyzing just a tad. But hey, maybe they can work it out.

2. Watching Magic Mike. And to describe this experience in a single word…Ew. Or in another word…Double Ew. (Two words, actually, but who cares?). So I guess I should have known what I was getting myself into when I went to this movie in the first place. I mean, it wasn’t like I could walk out mid-movie in a fit of indignation. (Imagine me, mouth hanging open as I stomp down the stairs: “Did anyone know this movie features stripping? I’m appalled and offended!”) But in my defense, the movie trailer was misleading. Where was the sweet Channing Tatum I remembered from Dear John? Where was the non-slimy version of Matthew McConaughey that I loved in How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days? Where was the romance? Where was the plot? Where was the towel to cover up those nasty G-strings I wish I’d never seen? I’m hoping that by late July I will have scrubbed my eyeballs with enough soap to erase the awful, awful memories.

3. General Movie Watching. Aside from the Never Need To Mention Again movie above, I’ve theater-hopped the last couple of weeks, plunking down money for: Rock of Ages (again—thumbs up), Snow White and the Huntsman (thumbs sideways), People Like Us (thumbs up), The Amazing Spiderman (thumbs way up), Brave (thumbs sorta up). While this may seem like a ridiculous waste of money, movies are my thing. I love sitting in a dark theater watching (at least partially) clothed people act out stories. I’ll take a bucket of popcorn and a large Diet Coke over shoe-shopping any day of the week. (*Unless there’s a sale at Dillards. Then I’ll do both. Which totally makes sense, because think of the money I’d save!)

4. Sitting On My Sofa. I’m not sure if the indentation on my couch will ever come up again. But it’s summer, and I don’t wanna move unless I have to. Which isn’t all that often. But whatever. I’m happy. My kids are happy. My husband might not be…but then again, he always knows where to find me.

5. Painting My House. Like I mentioned in my last post, I wound up painting. But only my dining room, because I just couldn’t bring myself to make the whole place overly-bright. So while my dining room has been transformed into a nice shade of dark teal, my kitchen remains boring brown. But I’ve added a lime-green bench and a few bright pictures to it, which has a count for something. Sometimes baby steps are necessary…at least that’s what I keep telling myself.

6. Writing On My Furniture. In the dust created by not cleaning. Because I hate to clean and haven’t done a whole lot of it lately. But here’s the plus side to all this dust build-up: playing tic-tac-toe on various wooden surfaces can provide hours of entertainment for the kiddos. Plus, they’re unknowingly cleaning in the process, so it’s a win-win for everyone.

7. Googling Anderson Cooper to find out why his name kept popping up on Twitter. Did you know he’s gay? Did you know he’s also gray? Both came as an absolute shock to me.

8. Swatting Flies. I’m not sure what I’ve done wrong or what people around me need to repent for, but my house is practically under a plague of the icky black things. I’ve tried locking my kids out and myself in…I’ve tried gluing the doors shut…I’ve tried demanding everyone walk around armed with a fly-swatting weapon…I’ve tried entire cans of Raid until we’re all choking and can’t see. But NOTHING is working.

9. Performing A Nightly Rain Dance. But in typical form (does anyone remember the snow dance fiasco of 2011?), we had, like, maybe two drops the entire month of June, and July isn’t fairing much better so far. It looks like a freakin’ desert around here, complete with blowing dust and random tumbleweeds passing by. The whole thing saddens me, mainly because I don’t know what has happened to my skills. Two winters ago, I performed a (fake) snow dance, and the next day two feet of flakes dumped on our heads. Last Spring I performed a (not real) rain dance and my back yard turned into our own personal swimming pool. But this year…nothing. It’s enough to throw a girl into a full-blown identity crisis.

10. Not Showering. Why bother, when my doors are glued shut and I’m just sittin’ on my sofa? Believe me, my shampoo bottles are silently thanking me…even if my family isn’t.

So see? I haven’t had time to blog. But I have missed it. So from now on—for all two of you who care—I’ll try to do better. Unless Katie Holmes drops another bombshell and distracts me again. Like, say, announces she thought she’d married a lawyer instead of an actor. “Wait, my husband’s a what? Why didn’t anyone tell me? He looked so genuine in The Firm…”

Happy Monday!

Amy