I have the crappiest life.
Every year around this time things are going pretty well. Like, the birds are chirping, the sun is shining, the scent of yet another school year biting the dust is fragrant in the air. And then I wake up and read the newspaper. And this is the headline that wounds my sad, envious soul and sends me deep into a pit of despair:
“HATS TOP FESTIVITIES AT KENTUCKY DERBY”
Sigh. Every year I read a headline like this, and every single time I vow that next year I’m going attend. To see what the fuss is about. To try my hand at making a lotta money. Because even though I suck at picking lottery numbers and I can’t quite figure out the logistics of a simple slot machine, I’m pretty sure I can pick out a winning horse. Because everyone knows the coolest name always wins. And I’m awesome at recognizing a cool name when I read one. Like, Blackie on General Hospital? I knew he’d be a big star. And Edward Scissorhands? I was positive that guy would make something of himself one day.
So I want to go. I wanna buy myself the biggest, ugliest hat I can find and join the ranks of celebrities and regular folks gathering in the Bluegrass State. I want to parade around that Derby-place with my nose in the air like I belong there. Like this lady did:
“Turn it upside down and it’s a strapless wedding dress.”
I mean, can you imagine getting to wear this in public? Remember all the ugliness on top of Beatrice and Eugenie’s hats at the royal wedding last year? This is SO much worse than those. And by worse, I mean totally awesome!
And then this:
“Two birds of a feather flock together.”
On her HEAD! And just think, if she could have gotten her hands on Bjork’s 2001 swan Oscar gown, her look would have been unbeatable. Unstoppable. Unflappable, if you will. And as an added bonus, if the evening got boring, all she had to do was look up and start a conversation. With fake birds. And depending on how many drinks she knocked back in the course of the night, they might have even begun to talk back.
And best of all, this one:
“Can someone help me find my eyes?”
Now, I have a theory on this hat. See, I have had the worst time planting flowers this year. Between work and kid’s activities and just plain tiredness, I haven’t gotten it done. And I have a feeling this lady has been facing the same challenges. So probably in a stroke of brilliance, she thought, “I’ll just plant them on my head! Kill two birds with one stone!” And who knows…maybe there is actually a bird nesting in there somewhere among all those feathers. And if so, she could always pair up with the other Bird Hat Lady and start an egg-selling business.
Who knows? Maybe I’ll run into these two next year, because I’m totally going. Probably with my own bird hat/dress/shoes combo. Because I’m sooo gonna win the bird wars.
As if this weekend wasn’t bad enough, I woke up Sunday morning and realized that we completely forgot to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. Now, I love this holiday. But for kinda odd reasons. See, a few years back my husband ran for office (and won, woo!), and for some odd reason a few random people referred to him as Cinco de Matayo. Now, my husband isn’t Hispanic, so it really didn’t make much sense. But it was kinda perfect, because we LOVE chips and salsa. And tacos? Has there ever been a more perfect food? And so we celebrate this holiday every year. We revere it, actually. Because we respect the sanctity of a bowl of guacamole.
So to wake up and realize we missed it…it’s almost like we forgot our own birthdays.
And to add insult to injury, I cooked barbeque ribs. Ribs! I might as well have spit into my neighbor’s queso. The shame will last forever. Or at least until I can redeem myself next year.
Which I intend to do. With a plate of sopapillas. Wearing a big bird hat.
In the great state of Kentucky.