If you’ve read this blog for more than five minutes, you’ve probably figured out that I love to read. Without a book in my hand, I’m honestly not sure what to do with myself. My Kindle pretty much lives in my purse, and my debit card is practically burned into the memory of the local librarians brains from the late fees I’m constantly paying. I’ll read anything. I’ll try almost everything (though I still haven’t ventured into 50 Shades territory. Pretty sure I’m way too immature for that kinda reading). And nothing is too simple for my tiny little mind. I love fiction. I tolerate non-fiction. I have a soft spot for children’s books, and sometimes I’m fascinated by cereal boxes. I’ve even been known to read the backs of Tampax boxes when nothing else is around. Ask my sisters. They do the same thing, even if they try to deny it.
But if all this random reading makes me weird, I don’t wanna be normal.
Besides, a lot can be learned from reading. And in my case, with all the reading I do, the learning just piles up until my brain hurts from being so jam-packed with information. Take this weekend. I’ve ingested a ton, and I thought it only fair to pass some of my newfound wisdom to you, just in case you happened to pass your days doing yard work or house work or charity work or some other boring pursuit.**
1. From US Weekly, I learned that Jef and Emily broke up after two months of undying devotion to one another. Undying devotion that included touring the talk show circuit, posing for pictures, and arguing over who is the prettier person. I vote Jef, but only because I like his cool hair-flip thing.
2. From People magazine, I learned that Vanessa Lachey believes that the best way to fit back into size four skinny jeans just one month after giving birth is to breast feed, exercise, have lunch with girlfriends, and sip round-the-clock water. I also learned that I dislike Vanessa Lachey much more today than I did last Friday.
3. From Ok!Magazine, I learned that while Kim Kardashian was eating out with Kanye West in Italy last week, she had her stylist breeze in with a change of clothes so she could switch outfits in the ladies’ room before the dessert course was served. I can totally relate to this. Once, I changed from a white t-shirt to black one in the Target bathroom after I spilled Starbucks coffee all over myself from a completely innocent run-in with an out-of-place clothing rack. I swear, they move those things all the time, and that darn new shirt cost me eight bucks. But like Kim, I walked out feeling tons better about myself.
4. From Good Housekeeping, I learned that the best way to cover up a discoloration in your shower is to rub the spot with a little white latex paint, then smear the area around it until the color blends perfectly. So much better than my usual remedy—which is to close the door, turn off the light, and wait until the rest of the wall turns discolored from lack of cleaning. In a pinch, this method works wonders, too.
5. From Seventeen magazine, I learned that Miley Cyrus has gone gluten free. And based on everything else about her lately, she’s also gone crazy.
6. From Tiger Beat magazine, I learned the every single member of One Direction needs a haircut. Plus, they’re all really good at riding tandem bikes. These two facts alone would have earned their posters a semi-permanent spot on my fourteen-year-old bedroom wall back in the day. I actually tried to put one up this weekend, but my ungrateful daughter wouldn’t part with even one measly page. See if I buy her any more magazines.
So see? See how much you can learn if you apply yourself, if you spend your time reading intellectual, informational articles instead of watching hours and hours of mindless television? Like me. The plethora of information I learned this weekend was so vast that it has completely injured my over-stimulated brain. Or…on second thought…maybe my headache is caused by the phantom pressure I feel while trying to imagine myself wearing Anne Hathaway’s wedding veil. Have you seen it? Seriously, what is that weird thing wrapped around her head? Someone please take it off her before it leaves a permanent indention across her hairline.
P.S. For actual, honest-to-goodness reading, I did discover a new author this week: Susan Elizabeth Phillips. For the faint of heart (not me), some of the subject matter could be considered questionable, I guess. But this lady can write an awesome story. Plus, she’s so, so funny. So basically—as far as storytelling and quick, hilarious wit goes, she’s the kind of writer I aspire to be one day. Thought I’d recommend for anyone who likes to read more than supermarket tabloids (hey—no judgment here).
P.S.S. **I’m a big fan of charity work. Please don’t come after me with the hate comments.