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Can I have a head bang? Some rock hands? A cigarette lighter held high in the air? A smoke in the boy’s room? (okay, never mind that last one)

I’ve waited for this moment, for like, nine months. Which means waiting on school to wrap up was practically like waiting for a baby to arrive. Except my babies were exceptionally late, so it would be sorta like if school ended sometime in July. Which would mean I would have to kill myself, because there’s no way I could’ve taken one more day of this higher education crap. No Child Left Behind? I dunno, maybe it’s a good thing. But No Parent Left Behind? I could never get behind something so moronic. Please leave me behind. Please. I have a suntan to get to.

Anyway, I have big plans for summer. Huge. Mind-blowing. And here they are, in no particular order.

1. Get a suntan. Or a sunburn. I’m good with either as long as this pasty, flaky skin fades and begins to glow like a 40-watt bulb.
2. Sleep. For hours and hours. One way or another, I’m going to kick this I-sleep-less-than-a-vampire thing I’ve been dealing with for most of 2012. And once my icky white skin turns brown sugary-looking, I’ll no longer resemble a Cullen. So it’s a win-win all around.
3. Paint. My living room. My bedroom. My toenails. Or maybe I’ll get a pedicure for that. But as far as my house goes, I’ve lived in the same one for six years and it’s remained the same shade of blah the entire time. And for anyone who knows me, that is about 50 shades of Not Normal. And my house isn’t even gray. So I need to change this, now.
4. Swim. While wearing nose plugs, because I’m allergic to chlorine. Which means I look nothing like Bo Derek or Halle Berry coming out of the water. I look more like Mary Katherine Gallagher. With allergies. And weird tan lines.
5. Take a vacation. To a place with a beach with my husband. Who is going mainly on business while I just tag along. Which means he’ll be in meetings while I lay all by my lonesome for four days on the sand with a book and an iPod and a laptop. Sigh. Oh, the hardships I’m forced to endure.
6. Watch television. I need to catch up on the news. For example, I didn’t even know until yesterday that Katherine Heigl adopted another baby. Or that Nick Lachey was having a baby. Or that there was a reality show housewife named Teresa something who lives in New Jersey and whose husband is a real pain in the you-know-what. I have GOT to become more informed.
7. Watch movies. And eat popcorn. And if I could spend every day in some form of this combination, my life would be pretty much perfect.
8. Clean my house. There are dust bunnies around here that have morphed into full-grown rabbits because they’ve sat unattended so long. I need to mop. Vacuum. Re-organize. Re-rearrange furniture and shampoo my carpet. If I have time, what with all the movie/TV/hard news watching. After all, it’s summer. Do I really want to spend the break cleaning?
9. Shower. Occasionally.
10. Eat. A lot.

And that’s pretty much it. No big plans. No pressing engagements. Not much to do besides lay around, lounge around, and hang around.

And that’s my kind of summer.

Rock on.

Amy