I have the motivation of a slug. More specifically, a slug who’s already been doused in salt and is slowly wasting away to nothing. To less than nothing. To becoming little more than a memory of a life that once was…a life that involved crawling—however slowly—toward bigger and better things. Namely, the outside of someone’s laundry room door, which happens to be where I find 99.9% of all slugs around my house. It must be the Downy. Or the million places to hide considering I have mounds and mounds of laundry that just lays there in a constant of needing-to-get-doneness all the freaking time. Laundry + zero motivation. So far, this is my summer. And I don’t even know why. I mean, this time last week I was frantically racing against a book deadline. Which I finished on time, by the way. And then…nothing. I died. Not literally, of course, or I wouldn’t be typing this. But figuratively. My goals, my dreams, my ambition…Who the heck cares? I just wanna lie around on the sofa. Eat ice cream and not gain weight. Watch mindless TV shows until 2:00 am and laugh really loud until the smart people in my house who are already sleeping wake up and tell me to shut up (this happens more than I like to admit). But I got stuff to do. Important stuff. Real Stuff. Thought I’d make a list and share it with you now.
Amy’s List Of Important Stuff To Do Before Summer 2014 Ends:
- Learn how to make lists. Real lists. Lists that matter. Lists that mean something. Lists that I’ll actually follow and refer to and check off on a daily basis until everything on the list is filed under Things Amy Actually Got Done In Summer 2014.
- Quit being delusional. Lists don’t work for me.
- Find a swimsuit before July 4th rolls around. So far, this has proven impossible. Or maybe I just hate the sight of myself in a swimsuit so much that I can’t break down and buy one. Either way, I’m facing a long summer of cutoffs and tank tops if a decision isn’t made soon.
- Paint something. Anything. A single room that I’ve sworn to paint since we moved into this house eight years ago. For the love of all things holy why is this so hard??
- Read 2 romance books a week. Hey—it’s part of the job. Totally necessary. Plus, it requires very little movement on my part and can be done while lying slathered in sunscreen next to a pool. I know, I know…my job sucks, but someone has to do it.
- Drink less coffee.
- And drink more tea.
- Perfect my Pinterest boards because one or two friends I don’t want to name have better boards than me, and this just can’t happen.
- Write more than a paragraph a day. Or, more accurately, write more than three words a day. By my calculations, at the rate I’m typing I’ll finish my current book exactly a week from never the heck at all.
- Get a perm.
- Wait—that last one was on my list in 1999. Back when the only people still getting perms were me and my 86 year old grandmother. Sorry for the slip up.
And that’s it. If you take away this last two, there are only 9 things on my list. None of which—besides painting, which both of you reading this know I’m not gonna actually do—require any actual movement on my part. Which brings me back to my original point. I have the motivation of a slug. Someone please hide the salt shakers. Happy Summer!