Well heeeyyyy…long time no talk. Can you even say that when it’s been over two years since I last showed up here? I’m not real sure, but we’ll just go with it. Heeeyyyy guys. Welcome back to my blog.
So for book club (on Instagram–find me @amys.bookmates) we’re reading The Authenticity Project by Clare Pooley. So far, I’m loving it. The basic premise behind the plot is that none of us are real with each other anymore. We put on fronts, work overtime to put our best face forward, don’t say what’s really on our minds for fear of being ridiculed or rejected in a society that thrives on regularly canceling people. And you know what? The book is fiction, but the theme is spot-on.
So this is me, telling you a few personal things about myself, going a bit deeper than a typical Instagram caption. Take it or leave it, make fun of it or don’t. It’s still me, the good and the not-so-good.
My name is Amy. I write books for a living, and I love doing it. Sometimes I laugh and cry at my own words, which is slightly embarrassing to admit. But often I worry that they aren’t always that good. I never read my books after they’re published because all I see are flaws. A poorly written sentence here, a thought that didn’t go deep enough there. And don’t get me started on the metaphors. How many times can I compare clouds, smoke, or boulders to an unrelated object? Also I have so many idea filed inside my brain, but I’ll probably never get them all written. I spend my days thinking and thinking, so I suppose it’s a blessing that my mind works well.
I have lots of close-ish acquaintances but only a handful of friends. I have a hard time letting people in even though I want to desperately. I’m weird and I know it, and have a hard time blending with people. I wish I cared about fashion, shopping, decorating, what school club might give my kid the best advantage for the future, but I don’t. Sometimes I try to force myself, but then I quickly lose interest. Which makes me wonder if something is wrong with me. I’ve fought the “Am I a good enough mom?” battle for over twenty years now, and I know it’s a losing one.
I think maybe I should have been born in a different time period. I long for the days of talking quietly side by side, phones tucked away in pockets or–better yet–left on the shelf at home. I miss walking the streets in the dark and listening to nothing but footsteps, crunching gravel, and heartbeats. I miss being unafraid to let someone in. I miss dropping my guard and letting someone see the real me. I miss the willingness to offer up my heart without instant caution or the fear of getting it broken. I miss that most of all. What I want–maybe more than anything in the world–is for one person to really understand me, but I’m deeply afraid that will never happen. Maybe it’s what we all want, or maybe I want it on a level that isn’t humanly possible. How well can we really know another person anyway? But I dream of it. For the possibility that someone could know every single good and bad thing inside me and accept it without judgment or condition. Maybe that’s a job for God alone, but I like to think it can happen for humans too.
I don’t worry about aging, but I do worry about becoming irrelevant. I don’t worry about one day having an empty nest, but I do worry I haven’t saved enough money to do everything I want. I want to build a little house by the water. I want to keep my future grandchildren for a few weeks every summer so my kids can adventure and breathe. I want to travel. I want to explore the earth with people and by myself. I want to watch a sunset in Italy, swim the waters of Fiji, hike the mountains of Alaska, visit a chocolatier in Switzerland, see the historical sites in Germany. The list goes on and I probably won’t get to it all, but it’s what I want to do.
Like I said, I spend my days thinking.
Anyway, that’s a little about me for your eyes only. If you’d like to, tell me something about yourself in the comments. Obviously, this is my blog and you know who I am. But you can give yourself a private name if you want. No judgment here either way. The Authenticity Project is a really good book, but even more than that…it’s probably a great way to live.
Happy Wednesday, guys. And thanks for reading.