As of today, we have four weeks left of school. And in my book, that’s about four weeks too long, Especially when the first three-month-long summer we’ve ever had is staring longingly in my face like, “What’s taking you so long to catch up to me? Aren’t you excited about the things we’re gonna do together? Don’t you love me as much as I love you?” And I do love you, summer. I really, really do.
But I don’t know if I can make it much longer. I’m not sure I can take one more day of getting up before the roosters crow and slapping on a bunch of make-up I don’t wanna wear. But then no one at work wants to see me without it, so I’m kinda stuck. Like the same way my mascara sticks together when I sneeze during application. Which is just about every stinkin’ day with the allergies flying around like they are.
But I digress.
So school and I have just about had it with each other. We’re not friends anymore. We need a break before our relationship is ruined forever. But…not usually being one to grumble about the days stretched before me (I’m really more the positive sort unless we’re talking about casseroles made with cheese or Justin Bieber’s new video, which I do NOT like with all those female hands roaming all over him) I think I’ve figured out a few ways to endure the next four weeks. Or at least to get better prepared for summer.
And for anyone out there struggling like me, I think we should do ‘em together.
Tips To Get Us Through The Rest Of The Stupid School Year:
1. Set all our clocks ahead an hour. That way we can sleep in every day but blame time mix-up on a freak power outage or an electromagnetic pulse that somehow only struck our houses. The excuse oughtta buy at least a week before anyone catches on. Maybe two. But the days must be spaced out for maximum believability. Call me and I’ll mark you on the schedule.
2. Wear your bathing suit under your clothes all day. Which is pretty much my plan for the entire summer, because no one wants to actually see me wearing one, even at the pool. Though all that Lycra under my Levi’s is bound to get a little hot…
3. Stay up late to get a head start on the summer schedule. A schedule that—if done right—should consist mainly of sleeping, sitting, sunning, eating, watching General Hospital, eating, watching reality shows, eating, and surfing the web before falling in bed around 2 am. Anything else is a disgrace to summertime.
4. Get a perm
5. And to go with that, buy an off-the-shoulder black shirt, a pair of black leather pants, and red high heels to wear to child’s last-day-of-school carnival on the football field. Cigarettes optional. Flying car not optional.
6. Purchase flying car.
7. Start a “Who can go the longest without washing their hair?” contest. But a warning: I’ll dominate anyone who attempts this. I can go weeks without washing. And not just my hair.
8. Experiment with different styles when filthy hair will no longer hold anything but a rubber band. Like—wear a side ponytail and call yourself an 80’s throwback. Or wear a bun and call yourself a ballerina. Or wear a side braid and call yourself Katniss.
9. Buy a bow-and-arrow to complete that last look. But you might want to check your school’s archery policy before showing up with one in hand. Last time I brought mine, it wasn’t pretty.
10. Buy a bottle of Hawaiian Tropic Deep Dark Tanning Oil and slather in on. Even if you’re only going to work. Because you might not be at the beach, but at least you’ll smell like you are. And really, if you close your eyes real tight, you can tune out everyone around you and practically hear the seagulls.
So see? Four weeks isn’t that long. Really…I think we can make it.
Besides, now that I think about it, I’m probably gonna need the extra time to practice my dance steps. It isn’t easy moving around when I’m wearing all this leather.
It’s almost summertime—Oh yes, indeed.
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Or you could just move to Rogers and only have THREE weeks left!!