Y’all, The Voice starts tonight and I totally forgot to prepare! And I needed at least a week to get ready. Like, I was supposed to wax my legs, highlight my hair, get my eyebrows re-shaped (though I’ve never actually done this before, not to mention I’m kind of partial to my current look, which is best described as shapeless and scraggly and nothing like the cool uneven Brooke Shields look I attempted in sixth grade and kept up through high school. The lesson here: you cannot pluck eyebrows into submission, despite what you might have read in the ’87 edition of Teen People Magazine).
Anyway, it’s time for a new season of great singing and even greater co-host ogling, brought to you by me.
Speaking of The Voice, I watched the Emmy’s last night (which has nothing to do with The Voice—which I just tried to abbreviate to T.V. but it totally didn’t work for obvious reasons—but they’re both on television so it sorta relates) and I must say I really like that Neil Patrick Harris. He’s cute. He’s funny. He likes kids. He has a great job. He has money. He’s quite possibly every woman’s dream guy…except…he doesn’t like…grapes. (and every girl knows it’s super-important for their dream guy to like…um…grapes).
But I’m getting off track.
So I watched The Emmy’s, and it reminded me of how much I like TV (in this case, not The Voice). I’ve watched television my whole life. Gotten completely sucked into the fake lives of some of America’s favorite families. And I’ve learned from them. Powerful lessons. Life-changing lessons.
Here’s some random examples of the way television has changed my life over the years:
1. From The Brady Bunch, I learned that if you don’t want to go on a date, just tell the guy that “Something suddenly came up.” And if that doesn’t work, just have your brother throw a football at your nose. Either way, your Friday night calendar will instantly be wide open.
2. From The Love Boat, I learned that if you’re having a bad day, a perky cruise director can quickly brighten it up. I also learned that anytime you’re wearing only a towel, a handsome stranger will mistakenly walk into your room and poof!—by the first commercial break, you’ll magically be in love. A nice bit of information for the single ladies reading this.
3. From Little House on the Prairie, I learned that pink and purple don’t mix, and that just because someone goes blind, it doesn’t mean they can’t see the light. But when the light turns out to be nothing more than wishful thinking, you can ease the disappointment by hugging your sister. Nothing feels better than a hug from your sis, except maybe punching Nellie Olsen in the nose, which I totally would have done by episode three. Right after I pushed her down the hill in that wheelchair.
4. From Full House, I learned that every story has a happy ending. Unless you accidentally drive your first car through the kitchen wall, in which case it does not have a happy ending but ends with you shelling out a big chunk of your allowance on repairs. I also learned that my mother and Danny Tanner share the same philosophy on cleaning: More is more, and one can never have enough Lysol.
5. From Hee Haw, I learned that fun things happen in a corn field, and that tying your denim shirt just below your boobs is a sure-fire way to get people singing songs about you.
6. From Sesame Street, I learned that it’s not okay to be grouchy, but if find yourself in a particularly bad mood, you should just eat a cookie. This gut-wrenching lesson has stayed with me through good times and bad, even today.
7. From Laverne and Shirley, I learned that it’s okay to skip through city streets at midnight, and that nothing screams fashion more than a monogrammed shirt, especially if the monogram is available in quantities by dozen so that all the shirts in your closet can be uniform in look, feel, color, and size.
8. From Who’s the Boss, I learned that every woman needs a hot Italian housekeeper to keep her place clean. Which is precisely the reason my house is so cluttered right now. Not sure how my husband will feel about me opening up interviews in the morning. So maybe I won’t tell him…
So, see? Television is important. Life-changing. Seriously deserving of awards. Which is exactly the reason I’ll be watching it tonight. It’s my civic duty as an American. And has nothing to do with a certain person with the initials A.L…