Since I just typed it, I’ve gotta ask—why don’t we use that word anymore? Unmentionables. We totally should. Sounds so much better than bra and underwear. Which is—speaking of things I shouldn’t talk about but sometimes just can’t help myself because my internal filter broke sometime in 1987 and was never replaced—what I’m gonna talk about now. You’re welcome for the warning.
And men out there, you might want to scroll down to another blog entry. ‘Cause here goes.
I bought a bra this weekend, and immediately regretted it right after I pulled off the tags. I always do this. Worst. Shopper. Ever. But this time, I’m telling you I’m
telling you…I should’ve known better. Here’s why.
Wait. Hang on a second.
Let me back up and tell you my whole story, because maybe it will help some of you get over the shame of Bad Bra Buying—an unfortunate phenomenon that I’m fairly certain happens to the best of us. I’ve fallen victim more times than I can count. At least two.
So, on Friday I dig out piles of mail from my mailbox (because I forgot to pick it up all week. Who cares about bills and payments and coupons from ColdStone Creamery, anyway? Wait—on that last one—I totally do) and see a flyer from Kohl’s. I LOVE these flyers from Kohl’s, because they almost always come with a ten-dollar-off coupon. I’m cheap, what can I say? Anyway, lo and behold, there were two. Two ten-dollar-off coupons!
And then. THEN! There was another one from Victoria’s Secret. Boom! Jackpot! I was rolling in coupons!
So off I went in search of some free stuff, because that’s the way I roll. I intended to head to Kohl’s for socks, because for some reason I no longer have any and have to keep pilfering them out of my daughter’s drawer, whose socks just happen to look suspiciously like the ones that disappeared from my drawer months ago. Anyway, socks it was. But then I was just walking by a table and I saw a sign—panties, 3 for $10 (sorry to the men who made the mistake of sticking with this post). Three for ten? And I had two coupons, which meant I would score six pair for twenty bucks! I was in underwear heaven. So. Incredibly. Cool.
So I snatched up six different ones in various colors and made my way to the register, where I plunked my skivvies down proudly and handed over my coupons. I waited. The lady behind the counter rang up three. And then she told me I would have to come back later for the others. Later, I thought. Why later?
“Later?” I said. “Why later?”
She sighed—I soooo heard her sigh—and somewhat impatiently told me that I could use only one coupon per visit. To which I said, “But I’m standing right here now. Can’t I just do it now?” To which she said, “No, those are the rules,” and handed me my bag of three.
And I just stood there…so confused…because I still had a coupon…and I couldn’t use it…and she was telling me that I had to walk out to my car…drive away…and come back later. I didn’t want to come back later. I wanted to go buy ice cream.
“That’s so stupid,” I said. And she smiled. Such a not-genuine-at-all smile. I wanted to wipe it off her face with my new underwear. But instead, I left. Dejected and discouraged. And now, NOW, I’ve gotta go back before that stupid coupon expires. All because of the Dumbest Rule Ever Brought To You By Kohl’s. And because of my stupid coupon weirdness.
Whatever, no matter. My spirits perked up when I remembered my other coupon. My Victoria’s Secret one. Because what girl doesn’t love a coupon to a bra store? I mean, I know they sell lingerie and stuff at that place, too, but I am totally not interested. Not because I don’t like lingerie, but because all the pictures I see of what they have to offer seem to give women an awful case of the wedgies, and that just looks really painful. How people sleep in those things is beyond me.
Anyway, it was time for a new bra, because my other two bras are a little stretched out and both have a tiny tear across the top. And both came from Victoria’s secret, and both cost a bijillion dollars minus ten dollars off, and both were bought less than six months ago.
Bottom line: Victoria’s Secret makes crap bras.
But they send me coupons and I get sucked right in.
And that’s what happened this weekend. I got sucked right in and brought a cute bra that will probably be torn and stretched and completely unrecognizable six months from now, and I’d ripped the tags off before my giant case of regret had time to fully kick in.
But kick in, it did. I had to buy some ice cream to get over it. Thank goodness I had a coupon….
Have a great Monday!