I’ve been waiting on a couple of things lately. A couple of things that I can’t talk about yet, but they’re right there. Staring at me in the face. Taunting me with their inability to just go ahead and happen. But they haven’t yet. And in this process of waiting, I’ve learned something important about myself.

I suck at waiting.

I suck at waiting the way a garbage disposal sucks down the remnants of last night’s dinner. It’s ugly. Slimy. Rotten. Stinks a lot. And that describes me perfectly.

I stink a lot at waiting, too.

So in the process of all this waiting, I’ve learned to distract myself in a few different ways. Some respectable. Some not so much. I thought I’d share them with you now, just to pass the time. You know, to distract myself and stuff.

Here’s a little of what I’ve done lately:

1. Reattached two cabinet doors that had fallen off in my kitchen. One fell off three months ago, the other last week, so it was sorta necessary. My main motivation? I needed a way to keep my overstuffed Tupperware pile from spilling out onto the floor. Three months of kicking it out of my way has really become a pain. Now, it only spills out when I open the somewhat skewed reattached door, so it’s a win-win all around.
2. Googled Broken Grammy Dress Codes on my computer, which proved to be more frightening than I first thought. There was a sea of legs and boobs and butts and bellybuttons at the Staples Center this year, because it seems that many celebrities don’t know how to follow rules—one of the two reasons I didn’t attend. (The second reason was I wasn’t invited).
3. Cleaned reattached cabinet doors with Pine Sol, plus all other cabinet doors in house. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it once a year month.
4. Watched Safe Haven and Parental Guidance—on the same day. Discovered that movie-hopping is a fabulous way to pass the time. Add popcorn and a healthy dose of Milk Duds, and it’s the closest thing to heaven this side of the Arkansas/Oklahoma line. For the good of the pearly gates in the sky, I’ve decided to do it again every day this week. Good thing my list of unseen movies is so shamefully extensive.
5. Edited book. Edited other book. Wrote other OTHER book. This kept me busy, but did not keep my mind off waiting. So now I’m done writing forever. But not really…
6. Spent hours imagining myself playing baseball. Or being the girl who passes out hot dogs and beer in the stands. Or being the guy who brushes off the bases in between innings (does this guy actually exist, or did I make it up?). I’d like to say all this imagining was for book stuff, but only the first part was. The rest of my weird daydreaming was on account of my ADD issues. And the fact that I really would like to be the girl who passes out hot dogs and beer, if only for one afternoon. Or twelve.
7. Stared at pictures of Adam Levine that my friends randomly sent me for Valentine’s Day. What can I say? Some people like flowers. Some people like candy. I like cheesy photographs of Mr. Levine. And I like candy. Of course I like candy.
8. Picked up dog poop off my kitchen/living room/closet/bedroom floor. Because my stupidly cute puppy refuses to completely house train and I have no idea how to fix her stubbornness. I take her out every hour. I take her for daily walks. I stand outside in the dark and the bright sunlight and the dark again and wait for her to do her business. She actually does her business. And then we walk inside and she does it again. It’s enough to make me lose my mind. Which I guess is what I’ve been aiming for all along.

A distraction. An inability to think. So really…I guess I owe rapidly-decreasing sanity to my dog. The world’s worst potty trainer. My life’s biggest distraction. She’s driving me crazy.

Almost as crazy as the waiting. But I’ve got my Milk Duds and my popcorn money in my pocket. Beautiful Creatures…here I come.

Have a good week!


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