Wedding Crashers

Maybe it’s because I have two daughters.

Maybe it’s because my interest in football lasts about as long as—oh, look, there’s Blossom on another Old Navy commercial. Whatever happened to her anyway? And what was her name? Mayim something something, I think. I can’t remember anymore, but it was weird. And that dress sure is cute. And kudos to her for never getting a nose job. Kinda brave for a Hollywood gal….

Wait. What was I saying? Oh…right. Football.

Anyway, maybe it’s because I totally respect the sanctity of a beautiful, uneaten cake. But when I heard the ever-changing story of coach Bobby Petrino this week, my take on it was a little different. I wasn’t thinking much about winning seasons and Bowl potential and batting averages (??) and whatever else happens in football. Instead, all I could think about was this: If my daughter pulled a crazy stunt like riding on the back of a way-too-old-for-her guy’s motorcycle only five weeks before her wedding (to someone else) THAT I PAID FOR, I would be so ticked off.

I mean, what about the wedding dress that’s probably already been altered? What about the invitations that were (most likely) already sent out? What about the uncomfortable Mother-of-Bride dress that was (I assume) already bought? Do you know how long it takes mothers to pick out one of those things? I remember shopping with my mom before my own wedding years ago—all the cursing and the threatening and the gnashing of teeth that occurred. And after she finished with the sales lady, she turned on me! The whole ordeal was frightening. Slightly disturbing. And still today, I can’t walk into a Dillard’s without breaking into a cold, bone-chilling sweat. And even when I do make it inside, I avoid the dress section altogether and head for swimsuits. And the fact that I would rather endure the sight of myself in pink Lycra than walk down that dark, dress-filled memory lane says it all. It was wrong, I tell you. All wrong.

And to make matters worse, what about the fact that—if I were her mom—I’d probably have already thrown away all the receipts? I am terrible about keeping them. I have the best of intentions, but usually those annoying slips of paper fall out of my wallet and wind up crinkled around a piece of chewed-up gum. I can’t help it. They’re just so convenient in a My-Bubbalicious-Lost-Its-Flavor emergency.

So with no receipts and no hope of a bunch of refunds, what would I do with the dress? With the three blenders and ten china place-settings that my daughter suddenly doesn’t need? With the miniature version of the wedding cake that I had made special for pre-wedding tasting (because some of us do that. because you can’t be too careful when it comes to fondant and pink sugar flowers).

Well, I have some ideas.

What To Do With Wedding Stuff When The Ceremony Is On The Skids:

1. Send cake to me, because it’s totally my thing.
2. If not, use the frosting as a facial mask. Think of it as an expensive sugar-scrub. If Oprah were still in business, this would be on her Favorite Things list, I’m sure.
3. Toss china plates like Frisbees.
4. Toss china plates at Bobby Petrino.
5. Fly to China. Take plates with you.
6. Donate dress to “Say Yes to the Dress.” But do the decent thing and tell them your dress was a “No.”
7. Donate dress to Razorback homecoming queen, ‘cause maybe she could use one.
8. Stuff dress in blender, and puree.
9. Stuff cake in blender, and make a smoothie.
10. Stuff cake in your mouth. The whole thing. All at once.
11. Wear Mother-of-Bride dress to church.
12. Do not cuss or gnash teeth in church, even when people ask, “So what’s new with you?”
13. Bring safety pins to church to hold dress together in case of weight gain.
14. Bring daughter’s new rolling pin to church in case nosy lady on the front row comments about it.
15. Give daughter a hug, tell her things will get better, and take her out for dessert. But make it a banana split or a snow cone—something that doesn’t involve frosting.

So, see, it’s not all hopeless. There are always two sides to every coin. Multiple uses for no-longer-needed wedding crap. And several ways to turn this sad situation into a lesson for everyone involved.

Such as.

Never ride on a motorcycle with a football coach, because it might wind up in the news. Always keep receipts. And definitely order chocolate wedding cake. Because the combination of vanilla with pink sugar flowers is really just gross.

Happy Monday!


Leave a Reply