Your Place Or Mine?

I never knew all the work that goes into a book release until faced with my own looming deadline. The proofreading, the marketing, the conference calls, the fending off advances from anonymous Facebook stalkers, specifically of the female variety.

Apparently it’s the women wackos that find me attractive. I’m trying really hard not to be offended by this.

Take this message from Mariama:

“Please how are you? Hope you are fine and in perfect condition of health i went through your profile and took an interest in you i see that you are sexy bby and i will like you to writing me on this my email address (her addy thoughtfully inserted) i will be waiting hearing from you soon to get to knowing you better. Lots of luv.”

First, I’m really liking her use of the run-on sentence. Second, combined with her knack for using text lingo and slightly forward salutations (Luv U 2 sexy bby), it’s a wonder I haven’t already set up a cross country (or more likely, continent) rendezvous with Mariama. October is still young, though…

Then there’s this short and sweet message from Kristal:

“Hey, I see you account and see that you hot, lets kik sexy butt.”

Now, I have to admit my heart skipped a beat at this message. Why wouldn’t it? I mean, I love poetry, and the single line of prose written here is astounding. Practically on a Shakespearian level. The only potential problem I see is that since I was pregnant with my last child (who spent an extraordinary amount of time bouncing on my sciatic nerve), I sometimes find it painful to kick much of anything. Not always, though. I could probably manage a single sexy butt kik. Or two. We’ll see…

And who can forget about Miss Grace? She private messaged me with this last week:

“Hello my dear, nice to meet you on face-bok. I took an interest in your profile and have some many secrets I want to disclose to you, so please reply to me with your privet email address and phone numbr where I will be able to tell you these hot secrets and much more, thank you for your understanding.”

Now, it’s nice to finally meet someone who totes gets my understanding nature, because I am NOTHING if not understanding. And kind, even though Miss Grace forgot to point that attribute out. I’ll try to overlook the omission. Besides, she’s right–I’m great at keeping secrets. And since sweet Miss Grace has something important to tell me, it’s gonna be nearly impossible to keep myself from replying. I have a feeling her secret might be along the lines of “You tell me your social security number and I’ll tell you mine” and I’m sure she’ll want me to go first—but the anticipation is nearly killing me. I feel a need for a Do Not Reply intervention coming on.

So see? Book releases are stressful. Every day, there’s just so much to do, and somehow fending off the ever-popular female advances has catapulted to the top of the list.

So…marketing? Who has time for that?

Talk2UL8R Sexy Bbys

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This Post Has 4 Comments

  1. You crack me up. I’m so glad you clarified this for me. I didn’t know what Adriana wanted when she kept telling me she was in town and she likes sex.

    1. Amy Matayo

      No idea, huh? That wasn’t clear enough, huh? 😉
      Hilarious, Shannon. And slightly a whole lot creepy!

  2. Carla Laureano

    Oh my gosh, this killed me. Now I’m feeling a little insulted that I only get the crazy male stalkers. Maybe it’s that little bit about having a black belt that scares them off, I don’t know.

    You are so lucky to have fans… 😀

    1. Amy Matayo

      So, so lucky. It’d be nice if a few were guys, but whatever. 😉
      (btw–your black belt even scares me).

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